Sockhalla (proper n.)

The place where all the missing socks go.

The mystery of what happens to missing socks has taxed some of the greatest minds in human history. The most popular theory by far, first put forward by Albert Einstein, was that they were simply eaten by washing machines, but this was later found to be false. A precursor to this theory may be found in the works of the Greek philosopher, Aristotle, who held that socks had an innate tendency —or ‘misplaceative virtue’, as he called it—to fall down behind chests of drawers and other furniture never to be found again, but once again the empirical evidence was lacking.

Perhaps closest to the truth was Leonardo da Vinci’s hypothesis that the missing items were transported away to a mythical land where they could live out a life of peace, happiness and foot-free pleasure. The place in question has since been located on a remote island somewhere in the South Pacific whose precise location, along with the identities and modus operandi of the complex web of ‘sock-traffickers’ responsible for liberating these long suffering and often unsung items of footwear, remains a closely guarded secret.

Based upon an idea by Veet Voojagig.

Absentism (n.)

The philosophical attitude of being so wrapped up in thinking about past or future events that one completely forgets to inhabit the present moment, and consequently is in serious danger of falling out of existence altogether.

Absentism is the precise opposite of philosophical presentism, which denies the reality of past and future events on the grounds that nobody has ever seen one, except insofar as they occur in the present moment, and so when all is said and done, that must be the only thing that really exists. According to the presentist, any memories or premonitions that you may actually experience from time to time are simply manifestations of the causal consequences or potentialities of other non-existent events that just happen to be floating around the universe, or else are the delusions of an overactive imagination brought on by watching too much daytime television.

Whilst presentism is a perfectly healthy, life-affirming attitude that encourages one to inhabit the present with concern and respect for all the other things and beings that can be found in it, absentism encourages a total lack of awareness about oneself, other people and ultimately life itself. Extended periods of absentism may reportedly lead to the subject disappearing from the present moment altogether and materialising in a parallel universe in which they are permanently located some two feet left of themselves, although the truth of such reports have yet to be substantiated.

[Note that absentism is similar to Douglas Coupland’s concept of ‘now denial’, but I am including it here anyway just to underscore the importance of the phenomenon — Ed.]

Blaggle (v.)

A manner of speech in which one tacitly acknowledges the irrelevance and lack of import in what one is actually saying by finishing every other sentence with the words ‘blah blah blah’.

Blaggling has a long and distinguished history that is thought to date back to the time of the Greek philosopher Socrates, who first coined the phrase during a long and rigourous defence of his methods whilst on trial for corrupting the youth of Athens. During this ordeal, as a result of a particularly nasty bout of abject rejectionism, he realised that nothing he could say was actually going to make a blind bit of difference and decided to finish his address with the now immortal words ‘blah blah blah’. He was promptly put to death on the grounds that nobody knew what this actually meant, but it was most likely intended to be incredibly rude, and well, they didn’t really like him very much anyway because he had a very long beard, was more popular than them, and there was a particularly good crop of hemlock that year that it would be a shame to waste, and so on and so forth.

Although most of Socrates’ own words are lost to us today, these three have survived as a lasting testament to his great skill and eloquence as an orator, and are in regular use all over the civilised world, and in keeping with this wise and noble tradition, blah blah blah…

Metatheology (n.)

The body of half-baked hunches, preconceptions and vigourously defended—and yet ultimately misguided—intuitions that comprises much of what passes for theoretical metaphysics these days.

Amongst the central tenets of metatheology is the doctrine of ‘sortalism’, which states that objects must exist in the way that they appear to us because we say that they do. This is a contemporary generalisation of Descartes’ position, which states that objects must exist in this way because God says that they do, and is in contrast to Kant, who says that although something must exist, we just don’t have the foggiest clue what that something might be, and who is this God person anyway? (Nietzsche, incidentally, never actually maintained that God was in fact dead, merely that he was having an extremely long lunch break, and would be back after finishing the cheese course and a cup of particularly strong black coffee.)

The popularity of metatheology comes from the innate desire to prove that one was right all along, and allows philosophers to think that they are doing something terribly clever when in fact they are just repeating commonly held prejudices and conjecture using fancy terms that nobody else can understand. This resulting body of theory and opinion is what more sophisticated philosophers like to refer to as ‘a pile of old pants’.

Nomological dangler (n.)

Any unexplained or mysterious phenomenon that is not sufficiently accounted for by the theory at hand, such as the apparent properties of the mind by the physical behaviour of the brain.

The phrase was first used by Ludwig Wittgenstein who was once overheard as saying ‘Ha ha! Now I’ve got you by the nomological danglers!’ while talking to a friend late one night in the pub. It should be noted that during the latter part of his life, Ludwig Wittgenstein did not have many friends, as he had a well documented habit of beating them into submission with a poker.

Open source living (v.)

The practice of living life in a manner that is entirely public and open to scrutiny by one’s peers. An open source lifestyle requires that one should maintain a certain clarify of purpose and not become overly contaminated by petty concerns such as money, job, possessions, etc. in order that one’s inner purity may be maintained, thus heightening the enjoyment of the simple things in life: food, water, flowers, and so on.

Not to be confused with—although may be practised alongside—“open plan living”, “open all hours” or “open the f***ing door before I smash your lights in!”. The latter is not of course in keeping with the general spirit of open source living, although it does conform to one of its central tenets, which is extreme honesty and lack of concealment of one’s innermost feelings and motivations.

Philoscoffee (n.)

The combined activity of discussing philosophy with friends or colleagues whilst drinking cups of strong, hot coffee.

Although philoscoffee is a highly enjoyable and much underrated pastime, those who are new to the activity should take care to moderate their intake of (a) philosophy and (b) caffeine in order to avoid serious mental and/or physical over-stimulation. This can result in symptoms ranging from, in mild cases, a headache, which usually wears off after a few hours, to severe vomiting, hallucinations, an overwhelming conviction that one has discovered the secret of life, followed by complete personality breakdown and a persistent belief that one is in fact a highly evolved, super-intelligent shade of the colour blue. (To be fair, this last case only ever happened once, and the person in question was a bit unstable to begin with anyway.)

In any case, care should be taken to avoid permanent long term mental or physical damage. Any illusion that one has in fact discovered the secret of life will usually wear off after a while along with the headache, leaving one wondering what all the fuss was about in the first place.

Based on an original idea by Lani Watson.

Philosophobia (n.)

An irrational fear of philosophy, or indeed any kind of thinking that might question, undermine or otherwise call into doubt thoughts and ideas that are held in the mistaken belief that they actually make sense, when in fact they are—as philosophers would put it—a pile of old pants.

Those that exhibit symptoms of philosophobia may have acquired the condition as a result of insufficient contact with other ways of thinking and cultures, adopting dogmatic or inflexible mental habits, or as a result of joining the ever-popular ‘cult of stupid’.

Note that philosophers themselves are not immune from philosophobia—see ‘metatheology’ for details.