Friends porn (n.)

Gratuitous images of friends and acquaintances assuming poses of fake intimacy and pleasure that are circulated via Facebook and/or other social networking sites. Often enjoyed during the small hours of the morning whilst hunched over a computer or laptop in a darkened room in a semi-meditative state—an activity commonly referred to as ‘Facebook stalking’.

Friends porn may be sub-divided into two basic categories: soft and hard-core. The former category usually features crowds of random strangers engaged in everyday social activities, such as dancing, drinking, travelling, and so on, the enjoyment of which is generally considered to be relatively healthy and harmless. The latter may more explicit and disturbing, featuring random and inexplicable uses of hands, tongues and other body parts in simulated sexual and/or other pleasurable acts whilst remaining fully clothed in the company of one’s peers.

Hogo (n.)

Short for ‘hair of genital origin’. This term is differentiated from the more commonly used ‘pubic hair’ in that it excludes leg, arm, back, armpit, foot and other less intimate forms of bodily hair. Hogos can typically be identified by their length, thickness and quality of curl, which are, generally speaking, of a higher degree than the aforementioned types of hair.

This term is often used in a pejorative sense, as in the following exchange:

“Is that a hair in the bath?”

“Ewwww… It’s a hogo!!”

Such conversations are often followed by gratuitous retching and/or running away (unless of course the hogo is one’s own, in which case it is considered perfectly harmless).

May also be used as an alternative to the phrase ‘short and curlies’, as in the saying ‘I’ve got you by the hogos!’.

Probishness (n.)

The instinctive desire to want to stick things into suitably proportioned holes, such as fingers up noses, plugs in sockets, and penises, well, just about anywhere.

If it was not for this natural and instinctive drive being instilled into us—particularly the male of the species—by millions of years of evolution, the human race would no doubt have died out long ago.

Condoom (n.)

The feelings of distress and impending doom that may be experienced by one or both partners upon realising that the prophylactic device they were relying upon for protection has ruptured at a particularly inopportune moment without either of them realising, and that there’s nothing much that either one of them can do about it now.

A case of condoom is generally followed by a trip to the local pharmacy the following morning to obtain the appropriately-named morning after pill, followed by prolonged symptoms of nausea and anxiety and/or a trip to the STD clinic for a blood test. In short, not an experience that one would wish to repeat.

Converception (n.)

Any discussion during which one or both partners somehow manage to talk themselves, the other party, or each other, out of having sex.

A typical converception might go something like this:

“Let’s get an early night tonight, I fancy a bit of slap and tickle.”

“Yes, that sounds great. Oh, wait a minute, there was something I wanted to watch on TV that doesn’t finish until late.”

“Actually, now you come to mention it, I do feel rather tired and should probably get some sleep.”

“Alright then, why don’t we do that instead?”

“OK, I will.”

“OK.”

If such exchanges are common in the relationship then they may subsequently be followed by one or both partners seriously questioning their own sanity, increasing levels of sexual frustration, and potentially marriage guidance counselling, infidelity and/or break up of the relationship. Less regular occurrences may be treated with copious amounts of loving care, sex, or by selling the television and taking up yoga.

Dangle hammocks (n.)

Any baggy, ill fitting and/or unattractive undergarments, typically grey in colour, that one wears in the unshakeable belief that one is almost certainly unlikely to have sex that particular night, or when all other sources of clean underwear have been exhausted.

Exemplified by the first Bridget Jones film, in which Renée Zellweger is caught wearing dangle hammocks on her first date with the foppishly handsome Hugh Grant, an event that was voted number one top movie moment in a recent Guardian poll of idiots.

Cf. ‘spangle pants’ and ‘stripfulness’.

Rubberhatting (participle v.)

The activity that is being engaged in when eone is fumbling around in the dark trying to figure out which way round a just-opened condom is supposed to unroll.

The process of rubberhatting is generally exacerbated by the absence of good lighting, temporary hormonal effects, and other distracting events and/or activities that may be taking place in the immediate vicinity. More experienced practitioners will be versed in a number of well-practiced techniques designed to avoid the possibility of prolonged rubberhatting, although occasional errors are, sadly, inevitable.

Spangle pants (n.)

A treasured pair of underpants worn on nights out, dates, wedding anniversaries, etc. in the mistaken belief that they will increase one’s chances of having sex.

Not to be confused with ‘dangle hammocks’.

Stripfulness (n.)

The feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment that are experienced when one is found to be wearing dangle hammocks during unforeseen episodes of sexual activity.

See ‘spangle pants’.

Wrabby (adj.)

Descriptive of the vaguely disappointed or irritable feeling one gets after prolonged, tedious or otherwise unsuccessful periods of sexual activity.

Known remedies for wrabbiness include (i) more sex, (ii) better sex, (iii) taking a cold bath or shower, and (iv) eating large amounts of chocolate and/or ice cream (although not necessarily in that order).